Present State

Winning a disagreement is commonly understood as being right, perhaps even destroying the person you are arguing with.

Here are some common examples of winning in this context:

1. Winning a debate.
2. Getting a company to give you your money back.
3. Arguing with someone in a business meeting and getting the team to do what you want.
4. Getting your way in an argument with a spouse or child.
5. Prevailing in court.
6. Getting other person to do what you want them to do.

The problem with this definition of winning is will not typically give you the most value, where value is the net sum of your rewards minus your drawbacks.

My definition of winning a disagreement follows.

Winning a Disagreement

In the context of a disagreement, winning is defined to mean getting the most favorable outcomes for yourself and for the other actor and doing this ethically, all taken from your point-of-view.

Winning prioritizes treating other people well, compassion, and caring. We don’t try to harm others unless it is unavoidable and then we seek to minimize damages.

Winning a disagreement is about seeking a win-win outcome; both parties benefit.

Rationale for this Approach

1. Maximizes your rewards while minimizing your drawbacks in a holistic sense.

2. Reduces or eliminates most anger at other people in the context of disagreements.

3. It is the ethically correct behavior for some people’s ethical code.

4. Puts the focus on solving problems, not on winning.

How to Win Disagreements

1. Select your desired outcome: finding truth plus what else?

2. Be respectful

   1. Active listening; empathy and such.

3. Guide the discussion

4. Manage manipulation effectively:

   1. Misinformation
   2. Fallacies
   3. Coercion

5. Manage conflict effectively

Summary

Winning a disagreement means getting a solution that is a win for you and a win for your opponent. It also maximize your rewards while minimizing your drawbacks. It must do both.

The rationale for this approach is that it is best for you and best for your adversary.

The method itself involves:

1. Select the best outcome from the disagreement. As appropriate, build a shared outcome with your opponent.

2. Guide your opponent towards this by using the following methods.

   1. Socratic questioning
   2. Rewards/Drawbacks thinking
   3. Persuasion management
   4. Manipulation management
      1. Misinformation management
      2. Coercion management
      3. Fallacy management