Abusive Relationships

id: 1768846611
Date: Jan. 19, 2026, 6:20 p.m.
Author: Donald F. Elger

Abusive Relationships (AR)
- BackGround
  - Relationships are challenging
    - high divorse rates
    - probs in organaization
  - On common problem is the AR
    - Asshole boss
    - Manipulative friend
    - Abusive spouse
    - Bullying
    - Dysfunction team due to “too assertive” team member
  - AR
    - You can be the abuser (A) and not want this role
    - You may be the victim (V) and nobody wants this
- Goals
  - Describe ARs.
  - Break ARs
    - Do not be in an AR as either a V or as an A
    - If you cannot leave an AR, keep yourself safe.
  - Gold (Minimize or avoid ARs in all contexts)
- Lesson : Recognize ARs
  - AR = A tries to control or influence V by unacceptable methods on an ongoing basis
  - Why? A is striving to protect things that matter to them by using methods that work (A gets rewards) but are not OK for the V.
    - Humans pursue Gold (safety, control, dignity, status, relief, respect)
  - ARs are not defined by intent collapsed:: true • They are defined by patterns of control + harm + asymmetry
    - A can be and often is a morally good person who is trying to make things work the way they should …
- Lesson: Describe ARs (Obserables) collapsed:: true
  - Common Behaviors (What As do) collapsed:: true
    - Core aim: influence or control what V believes or does
      - control (decide for, restrict options, dominate decisions)
      - coerce (threats, pressure, ultimatums)
      - manipulate (guilt, fear, obligation, gaslighting)
      - extract value (time, labor, attention, money, compliance)
      - invalidate (dismiss feelings, deny harm, minimize concerns)
      - shift blame (deny responsibility, reverse victimhood)
      - create dependency (isolation, reduced confidence, learned helplessness)
      - use unpredictability (anger, withdrawal, affection cycles)
      - seek short-term relief or advantage (emotional release, power, control)
      - repeat behaviors that work (reinforced by compliance or silence)
      - induce or bribe (offer rewards to shape behavior) collapsed:: true
        
        money, gifts, favors
        
        affection, approval, attention
        
        safety, stability, belonging
        
        promises of future benefit
  - Common Patterns (What Vs report)
    - Core experience: being forced and losing agency
      - fear (walking on eggshells, anticipating reactions)
      - confusion (mixed signals, shifting rules, self-doubt)
      - self-blame (maybe it’s me, I caused this)
      - loss of agency (can’t say no, can’t act freely)
      - emotional exhaustion (drained, numb, hyper-vigilant)
      - erosion of confidence (second-guessing, shrinking self-trust)
      - isolation (pulled away from friends, support, perspective)
      - inconsistency (affection ↔︎ anger, approval ↔︎ punishment)
      - pressure to appease (keep the peace, avoid conflict)
      - feeling trapped (no good options, high cost to leaving)
      - normalization of harm (this is just how it is)
      - fear of consequences (retaliation, escalation, abandonment)
- Lesson: Break ARs (V Role)
  - Set Boundaries
  - Confront
  - Ignore
  - Protect
  - Get Away
- Lesson: Break ARs (A Role)
  - Strategy
    - Do both professional help and self-work (best)
    - Get professional help (second best)
    - Self-directed change only (third best, highest risk)
  - Understand the habit loop
    - Trigger (internal or external event that activates fear, shame, or threat to identity)
    - Automatic response (attempt to control V)
    - Reward (temporary relief, restored sense of control)
  - Recognize locus of control
    - A is responsible for behavior
    - V is not the cause of A’s actions
    - External circumstances are not the cause
    - Rationalizations are part of the loop
    - The loop is automatic but learnable
    - The loop can be interrupted and replaced
    - Limits and risks: Breaking AR
      - Will not work if A denies responsibility
      - Will not work if A expects quick emotional relief
      - Requires sustained effort and discomfort
      - Professional help is often necessary due to blind spots
  - Break the loop
    - Notice trigger before action
    - Pause before responding
    - Interrupt the control behavior
    - Accept temporary discomfort instead of acting
  - Replace the loop
    - Build self-esteem independent of control
    - Learn emotional regulation skills
    - Replace control actions with self-directed actions
    - Practice responses that reduce fear without harming others
    - Reinforce new behavior through repetition and reflection
    - Learn how to persuade ethically